Parenting Today
Communicating with your teen can be challenging. They’re on the cusp of becoming a young adult — and like all teenagers before them (yourself included!), they want to assert their independence, can become moody as it strikes them, and often give one-word answers (does “fine” sound familiar)?
Tweens and teens strive to establish a sense of identity or self during adolescence, according to American Psychological Association research. This self-exploration may thwart parental attempts to communicate.
So, how do you keep the dialogue going with your teenager — especially if you’re having a conflict? Following these tips can help you dial down the tension and have an authentic conversation with your teen.
Be an Active Listener
According to UNICEF Parenting, actively listening to your teen is vital to keeping communication lines open. This means listening to them in an engaged, caring, empathetic, and nonjudgmental way, even if you disagree with their views or opinions.
Listening without interrupting or judging your teen’s opinions shows them that you respect them and validate their feelings. On the flip side, if you cut them off, criticize them, or expect them to share your views, this can frustrate them, make them shut down, and make them hesitate to talk or share how they feel.
Seek to Understand Their Perspective
Whether you are trying to sort through a conflict or just trying to strike up a conversation with your teenager, ask them questions to clarify how they feel or understand their perspective. Try asking something like, “Help me understand why (whatever is bothering them) upset you?” Or “I realize this situation is frustrating. What bothers you most, and how can we sort this out?”
Empathizing instead of criticizing or judging them will help foster clear communication.
Validate Their Feelings
Validating your teenager’s feelings is vital to keeping communication lines open. It shows that you care and helps them feel safe expressing themselves to you.
For example, if they’re quiet because of a falling out with a friend, you can encourage them to talk by saying, “I’m sorry if you’re upset with (friend’s name). I know it’s hard to talk about things if you’re hurt or angry. I’ve been in a similar situation before. What can I do to help?”
Reassure Them You’re There, but Don’t Force Them to Talk
Everyone needs space sometimes — and teens may be unsure how to express their feelings. It’s important not to pressure them or force them to talk before they are ready.
Reassure them that you’re always there to listen — when and if they are ready to share what’s happening. Meanwhile, if they just need a hug, give lots of those too!
Ask Instead of Telling Them What to Do
Parents often tell teens what to do or how to behave. Child psychologist Shelja Sen explains in TED Ideas that asking them sends a better message.
Instead of saying, “You need to do your homework now!” Ask them, “How is your science project going?” Allowing them to respond instead of dictating their actions staves off tension and lets them know you respect their ability to manage their workload and choose when to study.
Follow ‘You-I-We’ in Disagreements
As fellow humans, parents and teenagers will sometimes disagree or have conflicts. Sen suggests using the You-I-We approach to navigate disagreements:
- “I listen to You and understand your perspective.” (even if I disagree with it)
- “I share my perspective as a parent.” (even if you disagree with it)
- “Then, We sort this out together.”
So, instead of getting mad at your teen for missing curfew and spending too much time on their cell phone, ask, “Can we talk about what’s going on?” Listen to them without interrupting, calmly share your feelings about why their behavior upsets you, and then work out a solution together.
Offer Positive Reinforcement, Spend Time Together, and Laugh
Life is stressful for people of all ages, but teens are trying to figure out who they are and how they fit in; they often crave acceptance from their peers and their families.
Whether you compliment their outfit, thank them for being kind, tell them you’re proud of their grades or a recent accomplishment, or tell them how much you love them — offering positive reinforcement does wonders for your teen’s self-esteem.
It can be challenging to get quality time together between school, friends, sports, or other extracurricular activities. Be sure to schedule time for a movie, shopping, or lunch at their favorite restaurant. Having fun together nurtures your bond and is good for you and your teen.
Plus, laughter really is the best medicine. It can relieve pain, tension, and stress, according to Mayo Clinic. So, be silly, funny, and laugh together. It can lighten a serious mood, boost your teen’s spirits, and turn their frown upside down.
Remember, nobody is perfect, and the teen years are challenging to navigate. What matters is loving and respecting each other through the difficulties, and following these tips can help you keep talking in all sorts of situations.